100 Jokes…complete!!



As you may or may not have been aware....Burtonwode embarked on a voyage into the great blue (sometimes) sea of comedy (sometimes) by firing off 100 Jokes in 100 Days (on twitter). About 108 days later the list was complete...plus a few more as I'm at good at maths as I am at Jokes. I want to take this time to appologise to all the people whom have suffered through this very stressful period.....Maya, Sam, Jesse, Jamie, Chris, Jonny Boots/Bags and all the others...you know who you are...sorry!!! As for the rest of you....Enjoy. The last 50 coming up soon.......so watch out.
#101 Gary Delaney - "I've just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it."
#100 P Lennox:I watched the London Marathon and saw a runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg.I thought,this should be interesting
#99 Emo Phillips "So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon."
#98 Hear about the lawyer who turned into a professional cricketer? It was a class action.
#97 From Russell Kane - "I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out."
#96 Josh Howie: "I once built an exact replica of Rome. It only took about a day."
#96 Sean Walsh: "I don't understand swimming. You don't see fish going for a walk."
#95 Gary Delaney: "Technically, shoplifting from the Apple store only counts as scrumping."
#94 Gary Delaney:"Dave drowned. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted."
#93 Emo Philips: "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."
#92 David Gibson as Ray Green: "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
#91 Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
#90 They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
#89 What do you call a skinny Aussie girl with chalk on her head? A Barbie-cue. - Steve Daking
#88 If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin
#87 Saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: "It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice"
#86 My friend is Irish. - Oh really? O'Reilly actually. - Colin and Fergus
#85 Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! - Frankie Boyle
#84 DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”
#83 Alan Sharp “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
#82 Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.”
#81 Nick Helm –“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” This one won best joke at the EF
#80 Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”
#79 what was the Chinese Lawyer called? Su Yu
#78 my dad always you to say 'you have to fight fire with fire'. Which is probably why he got kicked out the fire brigade." Peter Kay
#77 Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'does this taste funny to you?'
#76 My dog has no nose...how does it smell? Terrible.
#75 Two Cannibals eating a clown....one turns and says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
#74 When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
#73 How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
#72 How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
#71 Why do Dogs lick their balls? Because they can.
#70 Jeff and his wife were woken by the baby crying.Jeff gets out of bed to the baby's cot and pats the child with a cricket bat. No bawl.
#69 Wife:'You're looking glum'. 'The doc says I can't play cricket.' Wife:'Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!'
#68 Which Cheese is made backwards? Edam.
#67 Which is the best Cheese to hide a horse? Marscapone
#66 Hear about the Dyslexic Pimp? Ran a Warehouse
#65 The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin
#64 "Went into a clothing store…the lady said“What size are you?" I said “Actual." This ain’t a trick, baby. What you see is what you get." Demetri Martin
#63 whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr.Dre
#62 Out with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight.Things aren't gonna get messy
#61 God Save the Queen: someone who doesn't exist saving someone who shouldn't – like Super Ted saving Gary Glitter. Lloyd Langford
#60 "People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." Joel Dommett
#59 Just had a near death experiance. Guy in front of me just got hit by a train. Iain Sterling
#58 "What do we want?! More research into ADHD!When do we want it?Lets play swingball!!" Joe Lycett
#58 I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died. Tommy Cooper
#57 I went to the doctor the other day. I said 'have you got anything for wind'.so he gave me a kite. Tommy Cooper
#56 I asked my fitness coach to teach me the splits. He said how flexible are you. I said I can't make Thursdays. Tommy Cooper
#55 Met the inventor of the crossword puzzle today. What was his name? P_t_r I think. Tommy Cooper
#54 I just joined a Regge band as the Triangle player. I just stand in the corner and ting.
#53 why does Dracula do all his shopping online? Because he loves clicking on your account.
#52 news just in...Antonio Valencia is goin to Valencia...David Villa is going to Villa.....and Danny Shitu is going to Everton!
#51 You cant trust atoms...they make up everything
#50 Arnold Schwartzenegger is one of the biggest names in Hollywood. 17 letters. Dennis Pennis

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